"You're Tall."

 Dear Everybody who greets me,

I understand that first introductions are difficult, and I am aware that the mere sight of my handsome visage has been known to strike people speechless. I do not blame you for not being able to think up a brilliant conversation piece on the spot, and I can forgive you for pulling me away from my iPhone* to attempt to do so. But of all the banal, unimaginative, marginalizing, and downright infuriating responses you could have the audacity of greeting me with is: “You’re tall.”

Oh yes, thank you for pointing that out to me. I must have forgotten that I possess this admirable trait sometime between ducking through your doorway and stooping over in order to inspect the contents of your fridge. How could I possibly have conceived this actuality without your aid, despite the fact that my neck and chin are currently forming a 45 degree angle to meet your eyes? So, I’m “tall” am I? I’m glad that your brain has developed to the stage where it is able to make simple inferences from visual stimuli. Mentally speaking, I can now assume that you have the logical capacity of an 8 month-old child. You even share that goofy grin that says, “Gee, aren’t I oh so clever for coming up with that?” As if I haven’t heard “You’re tall.” or some variation of it before in my life. As if I haven’t heard it within the hour.

And woe betides ye that follow this obnoxious assertion with, “You must play basketball.” Really? Must I? Is being tall really the only requirement of playing this “basketball” you speak of? Is there no need for skill, talent, or sheer physical optimization which it is visually apparent that I lack? The worst part is the expression on your face when I tell you that I do not, in fact, play basketball. The half-hearted “Oh.” you utter, as if I have rejected my calling, no, my destiny to be a great basketball player, and have instead chosen to follow the path of the Dark Side. How dare I pervert the natural order of the universe by refusing to engage in normal “tall people” activities!

Personally, my main problem with being told that I’m tall is the whole marginalizing aspect of it. It’s as if the singular trait of my height is the only one that really matters to the person I’m talking to. My favorite instance of this was at my Mother’s wedding. The pastor stood up to make a toast, and decided to give my new step-dad some friendly advice in the way to bond with his newly acquired children. Paraphrased, his speech went like this, “In order to be a good father Caleb, you need to understand your sons’ interests. If Jake likes videogames, play videogames with him. If Justin is into rockets, go and get him some rockets and enjoy building them together. And with Josh, this giant of a kid, YOU BETTER WATCH WHAT YOU FEED HIM OR HE'LL BE HARD TO MANAGE!”** (Insert derisive chuckling) Yes, it seems I cannot escape my fate of being referenced solely in height even in wedding toasts.

The situation I face is like in “Recess,” where every kid has a name like, “<Insert attribute here> kid.” There was “Digger Kid,” “New Kid,” and the D&D-addicted “Pale Kids” who stayed in the basement of the school. I get the feeling that that is how people classify me in their minds: just “Tall Kid.” Why can’t I be “Funny Kid,” or “Smart Kid?” Hell, I’d even take “Socially-Awkward Kid” or “Definitely a Virgin Kid” over something as hackneyed as “Tall Kid.” The name of this blog is a kind of parody of this blatant over-generalization.        

It’s come to the point where I dread meeting anybody, as I can literally tick down the seconds to them making a remark about how tall I am. In the end, while I do like to think that I am a man of stature, just greet me with a simple “Hello.” and you can leave the embarrassing social mishaps to me.

*Because all normal teenagers have an iPhone for the purpose of listening to music, playing games, and going on YouTube... Oh yeah! And it calls people too right?
 **I generally disapprove of the use of capital letters to show yelling, but he really did say it pretty loud and obnoxiously.