Why? Why do you mothers and fathers of young children insist on dragging your wailing child to the movie theater? I can assure you your baby is not interested in this year's action movie blockbuster, and I'm positive that it will not pick up on the more stylistic touches of the French New Wave. I tell you what it will do; cry. I swear, every time I try to forget my crappy life by submerging myself in cinema and I hear your squalling meat-sack let out a shriek, I mentally murder a puppy. Do you want that? I thought not. Don't try to give me excuses, because there are none. If you don't have the money to hire a babysitter, then guess what? Save your money! Don't go to the movies!
Oh, but I'm not safe from your insufferable spawn outside of the theater either! No, you then bring your kid to church, an act that is not malignant within itself, but when your kid starts crying, it's proper to take him outside. Last Sunday I was sitting in church, when I heard the sound of a young child whimpering in the pew two rows in front of me. I didn't pay too much attention, as I was sure the parent responsible would soon either pacify the urchin, or otherwise take him outside to calm down. Neither course of action occurred. Instead, the father made a choice that I will describe in terms of the mental process required to come up with it.
Kid is making bad sounds-> I want the kid to not be making bad sounds-> The bad sounds are coming out of his mouth-> If I squeeze my hand over his mouth and hold it there, he won't be able to make bad sounds!
As you can imagine, this plan was not very effective, and through the last ten minutes of the sermon, the entire congregation was forced to suffer through "Child Asphyxiation in F Major." I just don't understand.
Parents I'm sure you love your child, and I'm sure it's adorable; but when your child starts making a nuisance of itself in a public space, it's no longer a cute baby. It's a red-faced screeching creature that you are responsible for bringing into our midst. Keep your child calm, or the puppies in my mind will die.
